3 posts tagged “xanax”

Cats woke me up at 6:30am. Usually no big deal - I had fallen asleep "early" (about 1:30a) and usually pass right back out after letting out the cats. Not so today.

Before I even realized what was happening, I had completely worked myself into a tizzy about work frustrations (machines aren't functioning correctly, FS says they fixed them, we start retesting and instantly find they're still broken (same or new bugs) - is this the same kind of crap service we give to customers?, TheQueen annoying me, blahblahblah). I mean, full scale tizzy.

That quickly morphed into worrying about S Factor and all my frustrations there. I had several personal epiphanies:

• The four new students have completely changed the tone of our class - basically taking it over. While there's nothing particularly bad about that, it's still unwelcome change.
• The addition of the new students really emphasizes that I am the weakest student, at least when it comes to technique. While that wasn't a big deal before they appeared, it really stands out now.
• Because the class is now bigger, and the new students are new to L5 (whereas the rest of us are repeating), Megan has less time to work with me. That's a totally appropriate response from her - but it gives me less attention, despite the fact that I still need it.
• Feeling "culled from the herd", when the bitch had me move from my space last week, was more than symbolic. I think it was very real. I realized that despite her comments of "I didn't mean to make you move out of the circle", she left no room for me to be part of it. And whereas other nearby students would usually adjust to allow a person back in, none of them moved either.
  
• As much as I love Megan as an instructor, and she wants me to stay with her, I think she's given up trying to motivate me. I definitely need more help... more examples or "try this" or "this is where you should be feeling it"... TECHNICAL assistance... but I'm getting none.
• Not wanting to solo is not just a lack of mojo - it's because I've also lost my sense of feeling sexy (which used to be a 24/7 thing with me).
• I was thinking I could overcome the lack of sexy by pretending I'm trying to turn on someone specific (Gael Garcia Bernal) but later realized a 2nd wall - I don't want to dance in front of the other students. Not because I'm scared - but because they are no longer supportive**, my sense that they "no longer deserve it", and a general lack of trust.
  
• **Far less cheering & clapping during everyone's solos since the new girls showed up
• **Megan's limit on my speech (not allowed to say "I can't") prevents me from venting out my frustration - so it builds. And since I'm suddenly conscious of my convo, it's just easier to shut down and not talk or participate at all.
  
• **After class, Michele commented, "your dances are great when you're feeling it. Now, granted, that's few and far between..." and that was all i heard... my brain translated it to "you suck waaaaay more often than you rock and your suspicions are right, they've only been humoring you when they've acted supportive"

By then, it was nearly 8a and I was having an out-of-control, hyper-speed, let's-find-more-negative-things-to-focus-on,  spiraling, melt down in my bed. I finally figured out to pop a Xanax and quickly fell back asleep. I had bizarre & vivid dreams - which I recall wanting to Vox, but can no longer remember any details. I finally crawled out of bed around 10:45, still a little tense but no longer at hyper speed and overwhelmed with negativity.

The good outcome of all of this was that I looked into options for other classes & instructors for the next 8wk session (I think it's either that or quit). Not knowing any of the other teachers, I tried to get into some makeup classes this weekend to "sample" their style(s) but everything was full.

On a wild hair, I decided to check out the schedule for the LA studio. LOTS of class offerings up there. I browsed back and forth between class times, levels (I want to do an L3 or L4), and instructors. Suddenly, I noticed the instructor name "Coco Ferrari" and thought, oh HELL YEAH. Then I looked up her pic/profile and remembered she was the AMAZING KICK ASS dancer at the Enchantment Party demo (little over 1/3 in, left pole, camera moves to focus on her as she does spinning splits then inverts with full splits; again at 3/4 in, she does a flying spin to inverted splits, to invert on pole, to invert full/flat splits to the ground - f'ing AMAZING). I read her profile and loved her comments (and her tatt and her overall "fringe night owl personality living just barely within the norm for the sake of a good paycheck" attitude). I called the LA studio and found there was 1 space left in her Sat noon class - so I called my studio and had them sign me in.

It's a bit of a bitch for me to attend  (earlier than I want and a drive to downtown LA) but what the hell? The LA receptionist said Coco is her fav instructor, and the OC receptionist was INSANELY envious that I was taking a class with her. So, at min, I get to brag about working out with one of the most popular S instructors (even if I still totally suck). At best, it will be the shakeup I need to break out of my funk & past whatever mental/emotional issues are keeping me from doing even the most basic moves. At super best, because I'm not one of her regular students, I'll get some extra attention and have some kind of breakthrough (that's pushing the hope factor pretty far).

So, while I'm not confident that this will help, at least I'm trying something rather than just giving up.
Send positive juju.

Have I mentioned that I do this... ALL the time? This or depression. So stress is actually better. I have meds for it but I think I've built up tolerance because I've been feeling like this a LOT again lately.

It's insane. I will stress about everything & nothing all at once. I have a intro bellydance class tomorrow - been stressed for 4 days. Not about the class - but about having to remember to schedule around it, to actually show up. Now, that might make sense if I had other plans... plans that would potentially cause me to have to rush or miss the class. But I don't. I have NO plans for the entire weekend. So why am I freaking out? I don't know.

My shoulders are tight, my jaw is tight, my back is tight. And I'm basically immobilized by my brain obsessing on a gazillion little things that, frankly, just don't matter. I should clean the house. I should do dishes. I should open my mail. I should do some gardening. I should go hack the freakin' out-of-control brown tall grass out of my front yard. I should take a shower. I should get my nails done. I should do laundry. I should.. I should... I should.

But none if it is I HAVE to. And none of it is a big deal (okay, maybe the mail is - cause there are bunches of medical bills in there that I'm ignorning). So why the stress attacks? Why am I worked up over nothing? Why do I just want to go back to bed for the day - despite knowing this same stress will keep me from sleeping well?

And what's the cure?

On the bright side: It's better than depression. Just as paralizing but not mentally/emotionally painful. In fact, my brain is extremely hyper & wound up (that's the problem!).

I hope everyone else's day is going far more productive than mine. It's 3pm and I'm still in PJs watching cooking shows - despite the fact that I never cook and that I HATE "Simply Ming" which is on right now (that guy is a vain a-hole!).

I think I'll force myself away from the PC, take a chill pill (xanax) and a shower, and force myself out of the house. To where? I don't know. But I have a feeling that it's important that I get out.

Happy Saturday!

0.5mg Xanax = good. 1.0 mg Xanax = wooeeeooo-hoo... lookie me, I have no equalibrium (walking is "interesting)!! And I can't stop yawning.

I have 1hr to "sober up" and develop the ability to drive. 1.25hr beyond that (spent doing pilates) to re-develop a reasonable level of control over my motor functions - such as grabbing a brass pole so I don't fall off, and walking in 5" heels - and enough logic/fear to know not to attempt the upside pole trick ("the snake") if I'm not more "normal".

I love new experience. I just prefer to plan/schedule them with a bit more predictabillity.