9 posts tagged “gay”
I got a "save the date" card in the mail today!! The FGNs are going to be MARRIED on their 15yr anniversary - October 11, 2008. I am sooooooo ridiculously happy for them!
And a little bit envious - both good looking, good personalities, good relationship, beautiful home, successful in business, and just got their BA degrees. While me... well, I have a crap home and am kinda successful at my job.
Worth noting, these guys are only 30-something. They've been a couple since they were 19yrs old! How many people can say that?!?
*for those new-ish to my hood, FGN = Fabulous Gay Neighbors. aka: Drew & Riley - a wonderful couple who lived next door to me before the FN (fucktard neighbor).
This scares me because of how much it seems like the first articles about HIV/AIDS. I will not survive losing another generation of gay friends. Once was too much.
But, considering my propensity to "catch everything", I might not have to worry about that.
http://www.reuters.com/article/health-SP-A/idUSN1337175820080115
Drug-resistant staph found to be passed in gay sex
By Amanda Beck Mon Jan 14, 6:17 PM ET
SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - A drug-resistant strain of potentially deadly bacteria has moved beyond the borders of U.S. hospitals and is being transmitted among gay men during sex, researchers said on Monday.
They said methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus, or MRSA, is beginning to appear outside hospitals in San Francisco, Boston, New York and Los Angeles.
Sexually active gay men in San Francisco are 13 times more likely to be infected than their heterosexual neighbors, the researchers reported in the Annals of Internal Medicine.
"Once this reaches the general population, it will be truly unstoppable," said Binh Diep, a researcher at the University of California, San Francisco who led the study. "That's why we're trying to spread the message of prevention."
According to chemical analyses, bacteria are spreading among the gay communities of San Francisco and Boston, the researchers said.
"We think that it's spread through sexual activity," Diep said.
This superbug can cause life-threatening and disfiguring infections and can often only be treated with expensive, intravenous antibiotics.
It killed about 19,000 Americans in 2005, most of them in hospitals, according to a report published in October in the Journal of the American Medical Association.
About 30 percent of all people carry ordinary staph chronically. It can be passed by touching other people or by depositing the bacteria on surfaces or objects.
The bacteria can cause deep-tissue infections if they enter the body through a wound in the skin.
Of those people who carry staph, most carry it in their noses but community-based MRSA also can live in and around the anus and is passed between sexual partners.
Incidence of MRSA is rising along with the resurgence of syphilis, rectal gonorrhea, and new HIV infections partly because of changes in beliefs about the severity of HIV and an increase in risky behaviors, such as illicit drug use and having sex that abrades the skin, Diep's team wrote.
"Your likelihood of contracting each of these diseases increases with the number of sexual partners that you have," Diep said. "The same can probably be said for MRSA."
Staph infections often look like raised red dots on the skin. Left untreated, the areas can swell and fill with pus.
The best way to avoid infection is by washing the hands or genitals with soap and water, Diep said.
(Editing by Maggie Fox and Bill Trott)
Gonna try and see this after my Leather ToyMaking Workshop at the Lair De Sade Tues night. WooHoo!!
Ralph, Justin's partner, told me about it so I invited him to meet me there but I know there's a 99% chance against that happening.
I've always wanted to go to gay MardiGras in Sydney. Now I have another reason!
That's me in the circle. LOL.
Here are my pics from carrying the flag in the LB Gay Pride Parade last Sunday. We cleared money out of the flag 3 times... a total over over $750 was raised for HRC:
I was NOT impressed (despite stealing my new tag line from one of the songs). Could have been the non-stop fidgeting of the young girl next to me (who also smelled like poo... double fun). Could have been sitting close enough to the orchestra that the singers were drowned out in parts. Could have been feeling old as I realized the majority of the cast was younger than me - much younger than me. Could be that I've never been able to stand The Wizard of Oz (and especially the damn Rainbow song!) so I didn't have much invested in the "background" story (though I admit idea of the Tin Man, Scarecrow & Lion's creations were creative). Could have been that it was simply anti-climactic after Miss Kitty's the night before (an entirely different definition of Wicked!). Or could have been that it just isn't that good!
It's not bad. I have high standards. It's very "Disney" - emphasis on costuming & staging rather than story and performance. It was a rather annoying & obvious morality play. I felt it was "theater for beginners". It reminded me of the time I was trying to drag Joel to "Phantom" and he didn't want to go because he felt he shouldn't have to use his brain while being entertained. But ha-ha on him... the fates aligned, his roommate got deathly ill (literally, nearly died) and Joel went with me after all - his first experience with live theater - and LOVED it!
At "Wicked", I was in the minority - the extreme minority (perhaps the only person) - with my opinion. But I stand by it. It was good family fare (though too expensive for most - my seat was $85). Not good intelligent adult fare. I nearly left at intermission (still trying to remember which play, at the same location, I did leave). The 2nd half was better than the first - but only mildly so. I thought it was surreal to be thinking, "Oh Gawd, is is OVER yet?" as the woman in front of me was moved to the point of crying her eyes out.
In other weekend news:
Brunch this morning was really nice. Probably 150 guys when I got there. My two self-proclaimed husbands, John & David (not a couple) were there. John won the "Chinese Year of the Pig" raffle (money went to the Long Beach G/L Center) - a collection of tacky pig themed toys - and graciously posed for the picture below with a couple of the items. David and his husband, Bryan, left early - before I could get a good photo (which sucks cause David is SEXY). Brad, pictured below on the far right (with glasses) is the coordinator of the brunches... GREAT guy!
I heard of 2 after-parties going on but skipped them both, knowing I would end up drinking too much, to check on the FGN's kitties, watch TV, and nap (their home is SO comfy!). While I was there, "Einstein" left me a voicemail - a very nice and mildly flirty message (again, my standards only - to other people it would have been mildly obscene). I thought about calling him back right away but realized I wasn't in the right frame of mind to be flirty & intelligent so I'm waiting till tomorrow. I wonder what he's doing next weekend. Me?
I got to see 1/2 an episode of "The L Word" at the FGNs house. I can see why so many people like it! Unfortunately, their TiVo chimed in to change the channel before I could see more (their TV isn't set up to tape a program while watching another) so I left and came back to the TOTAL disaster area I call home.
I should spend tomorrow (and the rest of my life) cleaning my house. But I'll probably just run away to the FGN's again and wait for them to come home. It's supposed to rain tonight/tomorrow. I bet the view through their gigantic bay window (literally an entire wall) will be gorgeous.
My car hit 100,000 miles this afternoon - on my way to work (the same way 90% of the miles got on there). The car is only 4 years old. I bought it fresh off the delivery truck. It had 1.5 miles on it when I drove it off the lot. I still own $6k on it. This is painful.
It's been an odd but fun day...
Work was... short. I didn't get in till after 1 and I had to leave at 7:30 for aerobics class. I got IT to bring down some PC speaker so Cezar and I can listen to club-mix CDs at night instead of crappy radio. YEA!!
In aerobics class (reminder: it's pole-dance aerobics), I had been good on the pole but lousy on floor work (we do over an hour of pilates before moving on to pole routines) and was really beating myself up about it. On my way out of the studio, a co-student (Kathy) was checking out the schmancy bras for sale and I commented that I was envious she can fit into one because I'm not there yet. Totally countering my prior co-student, post class, experience (Nice or Insulting) she responded, "Maybe...but you're totally hot in class!! We talk about you all the time." YEA for the 2nd, and much bigger, time!! My self esteem needed that!!
Cezar wanted me to meet him at a nightclub after aerobics. He swears it's "going off" on Thursday nights - but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I know one of the Miss Kitty's go-go boys also dances there... but it's the attention hog guy and I don't feel like watching him and getting annoyed (as I usually do) - even if he does get to dance in/with/through a hoop suspended from the ceiling. Sounds cool - but he'd make it not cool to me. Plus I'm not ready to club with Cezar. He doesn't annoy me anymore - but we're also not all "BFF", and I don't think we will be (I could be wrong - I have been before). I don't want to start a fake friendship based on my desire to find a new fun club, only to blow off him off later, when his contract ends. I dunno. Maybe it will seem more natural later. Right now it doesn't - and that was reason enough not to go (as was being sweaty and not wanting to change back into dry clothes and re-apply makeup).
On the drive home, my cell rang. My P.O.S. cell phone that doesn't hold a signal for more than 2 seconds and, therefore, never lets me get calls. I had it turned on, and it was charged, and a call actually got through, and I heard it ring, and I actually looked to see who was calling - a quintuple-miracle!! Lo' (what's that short for??) and behold, it was Julie and Kim calling from Washington, DC. YEA again!
J&K were in a nightclub - apparently a gay nightclub - and Kim was asking me how she should react to a gay man telling her, "the way you dance totally reminds me of my boyfriend. You're waaay hot." and dancing dirty with her all night. She was flattered but wondered if it was actually an insult - or if that meant she was being too masculine. I told her to take it as the compliment it was intended to be. If a gay man ever positively compares a woman to a man, it's a major compliment!!
The best gay compliments I've recieved:
- You're the first woman who's ever turned me on! (from 2 different guys at very different times!!)
- You kiss like a gay man.
- Oh my god, you really DO kiss like a gay man!
- Honey, you humped those boys [in a dog pile] like you had a g-damn penile implant!
- I'd totally let you top me with strap-on! (by gay porn star GianFrano, who was a personal friend at the time. And, no, I didn't do it... yet)
Hmmm - no wonder I can't meet a straight guy who "gets" me!!
Hey, Conan O'Brien just told a joke in this theme: "Scientists have discovered gay bees. The bees don't sting anyone... but they do make viscious remarks about their weight!" I laughed hysterically. The audience was silent. Once again, I'm reminded that I'm "a giraffe in a hippopotamus zoo" (quote, 20+ years ago, from my closest friend, Richard).
I'm glad I didn't go to the club - I'm redonk sore and tired. Which reminds me, how funny is this photo (snagged from CuteOverload.com)?
HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH!!
I'm going to bed. Zzzzzzzzz.
Los Angeles / Hollywood Zombie Walk 2006
I admit it; I am disturbed by how easily I transformed into a Zombie! Why didn't anyone tell me this is just about the easiest Halloween costume ever? Looking good = effort. Looking bad = eeeaaaaasy!!
I tried to post my photos to flickr but, realizing the photos could be compressed by re-saving, I took them back down. But good ol flickr, it read the 2-way traffic and, despite having posted NO photos, now says that I'm at my limit for the month. I hate retard software. I get get paid to hate retard software and I'm good at it.
That said: My (very crappy) photos of the LA Zombie Walk can be viewed at my Yahoo!Photos location.
The walk was a semi-surreal experience. When I arrived at the parking lot closest to the meet location (Hollywood & Vine), it turned out the "Scream Awards" were going on across the street... a source of confusion for many. I was the 6th person to arrive. Not knowing what to expect, I was simply happy there were other people there (not that I would have really cared had I been the only freak on the corner - as I knew not many people would take notice).
By the time we started our westbound journey, our group was probably up to about 50 people - some fresh from movie shoots. By the time we headed south, and rounded Hollywood High School, we were roughly 150 to 200 zombies strong. The sun had set by then and it was LOTS of fun to randomly terrorize businesses and bystanders. Traffic was now stopping to stare and trying to figure out what was going on. Unfortunately, the majority of the group seem to be fitness-freak Zombies... more about the dress up than the whole effect... and power-walked the entire path, quickly leaving about 30 of us more "dedicated" zombies who were dragging our feet, literally, behind. No matter, we had a great time - swarming cars, performing "interpretive" zombie dances to the musicians in front of the Hollywood/Highland (Kodak Theater) complex, and freaking out tourists (Q: Why are latinas so much more inclined to act terrified?!? I'm not knocking it - it made things fun for us - I'm just wondering).
I'm already looking forward to next year's walk!
Kingdom Party (Gay Days at Disneyland)
While getting my zombie photo taken by the FGN (Fabulous Gay Neighbors), I learned that it was also the Official-Unofficial Gay Days at Disneyland and the main afterparty, Kingdom, was scheduled at the Anaheim House of Blues for that night.
When I used to go to Disneyland Gay Days, it was an organized, private party thing - we paid an inflated admission (part of it going to charity) for private afterhours admission to the park (something like 8pm to 1am) during the holidays. It was freakin' cold but Disneyland is beeeeauuuuteeeful at the holidays!! There's no better way to attend Disneyland than a private afterhours party - with gay men!! Roughly 20,000 people instead of the usual 60k to 120k, so you can easily get on as many rides in those 5 hours as in an average 15-hr day in summer. Plus everyone was in a GREAT mood. One of my fav memories is of standing in line for Bear Mountain and hearing members of the gay men's chorus, far enough ahead to be unseen, singing Disney tunes. And men trying on princess hats and all the various evil-witch head-dresses... hysterical! And watching Main Street turn into one giant cruise-a-thon, as the party closed, was priceless!
But that was the good ol' days. Now, people go on their own, during the day & with the general public - but wear red shirts to ID that they're part of the unofficial event. I missed the event at the park but zoomed home from the Zombie Walk, taking off as much makeup as I could while I drove (sometimes traffic jams have benefits), and playing phone tag with the FGNs in an effort to get a ticket to the party.
I showered, shampooed, false eyelashed, and finally got to Downtown Disney (the food/bar "mall" between Disneyland and California Adventures [fyi, CA Adv. SUCKS. Save your money!]) around 11:15, totally annoyed that valet parking had already been closed. But I found a great parking space, had no prob getting a ticket to the party (except the cover had risen from $30 to $40) and got in while Jennifer Hudson (?? from American Idol; about to appear in Dreamgirls) was performing her set. I hung out on the upper patio, enjoying the drag-queen versions of Cruela Deville, the Queen of Hearts, Ursula, and the Evil Queen from Snow White.
I chatted up anyone who passed and once Jennifer's singing ended, quickly found my FGNs - happy to start my first night out with them at a real club event. We had a couple drinks, I played dollar-in-the-bra-backbend-with-the-gogo-boy again, I met - and totally loved - the FGN's friend (Scott), and then we all danced for the rest of the night - with me working us to "prime" spot in the center/front area of the dance floor - where I was surprised/amused to run into one of the straight female regulars from Miss Kitty's Parlour in LA. I don't think she's a faghag so it was kind of odd to cross paths at such diverse locations (I believe she said she knew the party's coordinator).
The temperature in the club quickly turned to roasting (HOB Anaheim is roughly 2' x 2') and men began to peel of their shirts. Yummy for me!! I snapped a quick cell-pic as two very hot men next to me started making out. In fact, I think nearly every man near me was making out with someone. Since I was in the center of it all, and pretty much the only person not kissing & groping a hot guy (I hate when that happens!!), I choose to believe I was the grand impetus for it all, fulfilling my destiny as the Goddess of Hedonism and Desire!
As I took a break at the bar, a total stranger insisted on buying my drinks for me - never introduced himself or anything... just insisted that I let him pay and then walked away (I LOVE gay men!!). And another, oddly placed, concert performance began. In the middle of the DJ's great mixing, two guys came out and started singing. It took awhile to realize they were live, not lip syncing (I'm still not 100% on that) and it was funny to be in a slightly elevated position and able to watch pretty much the entire dance floor stop, stare, and visually express, "Who in the hell is that??" After their last song, I heard the singers call themselves "Jason & DiMarco". I know I've heard the names before but have no idea why... and they weren't good enough to bother to look up.
The party closed down around 1:30, much to the relief of my very sore feet (xx miles walking like a zombie followed by 2+ hrs dancing in 5" stilettos = OUCH!!). I hauled myself outside to sit down & peel off my shoes while the "sidewalk sale" (gay cruising at closing) wound down. I got a laugh out of catching the Disney Police (who are so NOT the friendliest people on earth) tailing us for awhile - apparently thinking we were drunk... no doubt because we were covered with sweat, I had kicked off my shoes, and I was still hobbling awkwardly as my toes re-learned how to bend. As we waited for one of the FGNs to figure out how to get his car keys from the long-closed valet (note to self: Knock on the closed windows - there are still people inside), a guy I had seen inside the club - James (per his "It's my Birthday" Disneyland badge) - stopped to tell me he thought I was a totally hot dancer and had been disappointed after working his way thru the dance floor to dance with me - only to find that I had moved away. Again, I LOVE gay men! A staight man never would have bought my drinks, nor given me such a nice compliment, without expecting it to lead to something... or at least expecting me to expect it. It's wonderful to be able to know a compliment is compliment, and a nice gesture is a nice gesture, and neither has any "hidden meaning" beyond friendliness and good manners.
Home at 3am, I crashed & burned and spent the rest of the weekend... literally ALL of Sunday... in bed. Not the most productive use of time but it sure felt good. I wasn't (and still am not) in the mood for interacting with people and it was nice to be able to avoid the outside world, and my responsibilities, for 24 hrs.
Sean was up first in the morning. He tried to make some trivial, polite talk but I was still MAD. VERY VERY MAD! So I didn't talk - simply waving him off.
Sean got in the shower and I heard footsteps inside the apt, by the front door. Cracking an eyelid (painful after so few hours sleep on an uncomfortable sofa while filled with booze, and completely dehydrated) I spy a very cute young man. I say hello. He says it back and sits on a chair next to me, putting on his shoes.
A few seconds pass. It suddenly dawns on me, and I say, "Have you been here all night?"
Yes, yes he (soon to be identified as Joe) has. So that's why Sean ditched me. Well, I can almost appreciate that. Abandoning me was still an a-hole move - but at least Sean had a reason. And a cute reason at that!
Once Sean was showered, he took Joe home - or back to his car - while I went back to sleep. When Sean got back, I started to bitch about the events of the prior night. Sean tried to play it off till he realized I wasn't going to let it go. Once again proving that NO ONE CAN APOLOGIZE TO ME, Sean counters with an attack. Everything is either Bradley's fault (Sean told him he was leaving with a trick. Unfortunately, Bradley instantly forgot that part); or it's my fault - cause I was talking to people other than him and cause I was being loud.
EXCUSE ME?? Did Sean just bitch me out for not staying with only him and for being loud?!? Well isn't that just the ultimate pot/kettle situation?
Realizing that the conversation is about to go into a zone of no recovery, I drop it. I'm hurt and disappointed - how could Sean put me in that situation? Why couldn't he skip the trick - agree to meet up with him after I left (in 2 days!)? Why didn't he watch out for me - as I have for him so many times?
But I'm mostly mad at myself. I have major self-control issues... how could I let myself get into that situation? How could I just let go and enjoy myself without carefully thinking through, and planning for, the consequences? I know better!
Of course, I also resent finding myself feeling that way. Why should I always have to be the responsible one? Why don't I pick friends who treat me as I treat them? Why don't I ever get to feel watched over, protected, and safe? (a tangent about missing Castilo starts here - but I don't realize it yet.) And why do I always take the blame? Why would I rather hold myself accountable for everything than to risk fighting with someone else? Why do I always gravitate to "mea culpa" instead of "victim"? Cause I've got no choice, that's why.
And so much for heavy topics best left for another time, and back to the one at hand...
Finally, we get dressed and head off to the Folsom Street Fair, otherwise known as...
Won't You Be My Daddy?
I decided to dress rather simple/neutral - black jeans, black bra, black S&M's-green tank top (black tank top with the M&M's green character modified to be a domanitrix).
Sean drove us to pickup Bradley, Rafeal, and Tony. Tony has a nice little office right at the entrance to the Folsom St Fair. Great - we have a hideway / recovery room - a great idea considering how freakin hot it is (SF was roasting, in the mid/high 80s, all weekend)!!
The streets are pretty empty as we arrive - probably close to 2pm. We set up in Tony's office, talk for far longer than I liked (I wanted to shop!), everyone but me finds their combo of alcohol & drugs (when did Ritalin start being abused as a recreational drug??), and I choose to stay sober and watch. There's simply no way I'll risk being a drunk in front of a nice hot leather man.
Speaking of which - this is where I first spied Gordon, the beautiful man in the photo. Mmmmmmm! So handsome that even as a crowd started to build, it would naturally part around him in awe! He was the first serious eye candy that I spied once our group was finally back down on the street.
A couple times, our group moved about 6" then stopped to regroup about something. The third time it happened, still within feet of the office, a wall of people happened to pass between us, I mumbled, "and I'm off!", and I ditched my group.
Unfortunately, the crowd on Folsom grew rapidly. Within minutes, the streets were too clogged to move. It was nearly impossible to see into booths as people stopped and gathered around various SM demos (usually live whippings). With pauses to photo the more interesting people (link to photos to follow), it probably took me an hour to go 3 blocks (felt like 3 hrs!). I was amused to see the latin olive oil exhibitionist from the Love Parade Fest again! I'm told he's a regular at SF events.
As fun as the sightseeing was, I became annoyed because, much like West Hollywood Halloween, there seemed to be more spectators that lifestylers. I kept thinking it would have been a hell of a lot more tolerable with Kim there to share comments and intrique and shopping.
I discovered the MasterBeats CD booth and must say, success agrees with "Bad Boy Brett"!! We met in the early 90s when we were both in telecom. The day he was hired, I told his boss (who I was crushing on) that he'd made a huge mistake. I was right - Brett didn't do a lick of work in 2 years. But we became friends and I enjoyed when he'd call from his boyfriend's pool, bragging, "My boss thinks I'm at a meeting right now!" Way back then, Brett made his first mixed CD for said boyfriend (mixing CDs being very state-of-the-art at the time) and, unknowingly, launched his new career. He now DJs at Circuit parties (a gay thing) across the country, routinely sponsors parties, and has a successful line of continuous mix CDs (check out SPF2006 - Summer Party Favorites. It's very good!). Very home town boy does good - club style. Good for him!
Brett was great to me (gave me a bonus CD for free) but gave total attitude to friends I brought over. They were annoyed. I thought it was funny... kinda fun to see someone else get ignored for a change!
Finally OVER the crowd, I found that a large side street had been turned into a dance area - complete with gogo boys in cages suspended high about the crowd via an industrial crane! The music was good but, more importantly, there was space to move... and a LOT of very hot eye candy!
While in the dance area, Bill & Joel (from Long Beach & Brunch Bunch) spotted me and said hello - and, most importantly, allowed me to follow them for the rest of the afternoon. As it turned out, B&J (ha, just thought of that!) knew ALL the hot leather men so I got to interact with a lot of the sexy tops I had previously admired from afar. As I explained to Bill & Joel, I only followed them for so long because I could see Gordon's desire for me and didn't want to make him sad (It's my fantasy, and I'm stickin to it!!)... I'm generous like that.
The next thing I knew, the crowds were thinning and the party was ending (shutdown was 6pm). I was finally able to peer into some of the vendor booths but, because most were run by successful stores, didn't find any discounts and only bought a souvenir t-shirt ("Folsom Street Fair. Consent. Submit. Indulge.") and 2 AIDS Ride plastic SM paddles.
Overall, it was interesting but there was no interactivity to the event. The closest I came was when some people, admiring Joel's rear, made eye contact with me and sort of egged me on to do something - so I bit said rear. A good move, if I do say so myself.
I eventually made my way back to Tony's office where Sean greeted me with a beer (my first & only for the day), and I got to hear a bit of "My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult" playing live (but missed their biggest hit, "Sex on Wheelz"). There were 2 new additions to the office - a girl & guy from Brazil who were very nice and, as far as I could tell, as sober as me. I learned that breaking off had been the right thing to do as the group had largely "over partied" and spent the majority of the day out of the heat and in the air conditioned office.
But don't think over partying means the end of it. Oh no! I think we spent at least 2 more hours in the office with me watching the group take something, counter it with something else, counter that with a third, and then start the entire process over again (I just don't get it!). The sun set and the sky turned dark as I watched crews clean up the streets.
Eventually, it was back to the Castro (8pm? 9pm?) to go to another bar, this time "Moby Dick". I sat around, surpised to realize I no longer felt "at home" in gay bars - which used to be the only place did feel at home. I missed Miss Kitty's - with it's diverse and interactive people and "if it's good for you, it's good for us" vibe. Some guy ("Paul") used me to get an intro to Bradley and they talked for awhile, eventually make plans to meet up again later in the week. Sean ran into someone he knew and we were soon off for his house - with the guy (another Joe) meeting us there for an overnighter with Sean (would it really have been so hard to give up guys for 2 nights?!?)
I asked Sean how Joe was going to feel about me being at the house when he got there. Sean said he'd told Joe the situation and all was cool - but I didn't believe it. Sure enough, Joe gave me tons of attitude. I think he thought I was just a friend who was too stupid to go home and, thereby, keeping him from sex. When Bradley & Sean went outside to smoke, I told Joe that I heard he had recently sold a website. He responded, "No." (apparently a lie) and that was the end of that.
Bradley eventually left and Sean & Joe adjourned to Sean's bed (did I mention this is an oddly shaped studio apt?) while I watched TV and tried to go to sleep (physically exhausted but mentally wide awake). As I heard S&J fooling around (yes, Sean, I could hear you. Duh! And, no, I was neither offended nor jealous - but was a tad bit annoyed), I began to reflect on everything "wrong" with the trip. Which eventually became everything wrong with my life. Which became everything wrong with me.
I found myself, once again, missing the feeling of being safe & protected. I missed feeling connected... even for just a few minutes. I missed Castilo. A LOT. I'm proud of myself for not calling him. Especially after a long internal dialog about there being no harm if I dialed without ID display and simply left a message about missing the good parts - maybe he's wondered about me too - maybe I gave up to easily (was I supposed to fight for him when he ended it?) - maybe he'd be interested in getting together again... prob not (I even hope not because i want his other situation to work out for his long term happiness) but maybe - blahblahblah. Instead of dialing, I just got sad.
Sean got up around then and decided to watch TV with me, falling asleep sitting up but refusing to go back to bed because "I still have beer left." He eventually went to bed and I prob fell asleep 1/2 hr later - around 3 or 4am. And so ended day 2.
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