10 posts tagged “castilo”

Audio:  Share a great love song.

This one, "Good Enough" by Evanescense, makes me cry. I first heard it at Acoustic Christmas and fell in love with it... but it was also one of those moments where you suddenly know you're at the beginning of the end of something that's important to you. Like you suddenly know the Gods are giving you a big red flag warning and you need to start preparing yourself. That's part of the reason I wasn't overly shocked when real life came raining down on me with C.

C really did make me feel good enough - something I haven't felt in a very... long... time. It's one of those things where, logically, I know I'm good enough - but emotionally... not so much. Because no one else is reinforcing the feeling in a way that I need. And it's just hard to be the one telling yourself you're good enough to be loved when the people you long to hear it from, and the people you need to hear it from, don't seem to agree. I miss feeling it... a LOT.

Speaking of C: He was thinking of me Sat night. I felt it. I always knew when he was thinking of me and I definitely felt it, twice, on Sat night. Even after all that's happened, I was semi-surprised he didn't show up. I don't know what I would have done if he did. A big part of me knows not to let him "get away" with how he treated me. A smaller part is lonely enough to have ignored that and to have done anything for even a few minutes of feeling desired again. I'm thankful I didn't have to decide.

13 Good Enough

Evanescence

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Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly
now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough for you

Drink up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
and I've completely lost myself and I don't mind
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you conquer me completely
now I can't let go of this dream
can't believe that I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough
it’s been such a long time coming, but I feel good

and I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
pour real life down on me
cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough
am I good enough
for you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me
cause I can't say no

MANY MANY MANY thanks to everyone for their comments on the PSYCHO drama of last Tuesday. I'm pretty much over it.

I'm still confused and massively disappointed in his behaviour - but I've come up with some plausible explanations for it. #1 being that he was, by day, in a more traditional relationship - one that he really wanted to keep. Perhaps my message, though incredibly neutral, appeared at the wrong time - putting that other situation at risk. Maybe making a show of telling me off was a way to save whatever he had, and valued, with that other person.

If I'm right, it's unfortunate that he never learned that he could trust me. If he had learned to trust me as I trusted him, this could have ended honestly and openly. Still just as final - but without damaging me.

But I also understand why he wouldn't risk something like that. Perhaps he has experience with less balanced women... women who went nutty when he broke up with them. So even though nothing about me is like that - he really wouldn't have any way of knowing it. And why risk it? If he trusted me to handle the breakup as an adult, and that trust turned out to be misplaced - he could end up with a psycho causing him to lose both relationships and more.

He was never hurtful to me before. So maybe this happened because, in his eyes, hurting me was the "best" way not to risk hurting someone else - someone closer & more important to him. I can actually respect that. I know that it wasn't actually necessary - but I can respect it.

Whatever... I'll never know any different and at least this gets me through the day. 

Warning... TMI ahead (though no worse than I've done before. I spared the details):

I didn't txt last night. C called around 1:45am - last call wherever he was. I assume he was buzzed because he was being cute as hell on the phone... coy, asking if I like him (uuhhhh, duh!), asking about Acoustic Christmas and being happy I had a good time, telling me - repeatedly - exactly what he wanted to do when he got here, being concerned about how long the drive was taking. Not that he's not nice normally - but he usually has his guard up much higher.

The heated mattress pad was a major hit (EXCELLENT investment - especially with how cold my home gets at night!!). As was the toy to the left [which is "hidden" from non-neighbors]. We have some pretty phenom experiences but last night definitely tied for top of the list. If I didn't achieve my 2006 resolution of giving him a mind-blowing sexual experience, then I never will. It was something new to try - I don't think either of us realized how... interesting... it would be. Seriously... WOW!!

We both passed out asleep in record time and he slept till after dawn. And offered a rare 2nd time when he woke up. I'm not sure why he usually has "one time only" issue. Maybe cause he doesn't realize that his first time last about 20 times longer than most guys' longest time - and he thinks the 2nd should last just as long - or longer (don't most guys last longer the 2nd time)?? I dunno.

Before he left (damn... still haven't gotten to take him to breakfast) he told me he won't be around next weekend. I had expected that - figuring that he'd be weird about hooking up near a "major holiday" (guys!) - and found it very considerate that he said something to make sure I knew ahead of time (also implying that it wasn't weirdness but that he actually will be out of town).

I just got home from the holiday POPs orchestra concert - where I spent 2 hours zoning out to a variety of holiday carols and thinking, "Damn, I wish C was here and were f-ing RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!" Sooo un-holy of me!!

And now I'm off to SilverLake to see if I'm really getting into the "Sexy Christmas Burlesque" show at El Cid... something that fits in much better with my current state of mind. I invited C to go with me but, as always, he said he can't stay up that late cause he has to work. That man needs to get an office job so he can goof off during the day - especially for the next 2 weeks - like the rest of us!

HAPPY holidays it is.

For the last 24 hrs I've been debating about txting C with an "I crave you" message. Not a prob on Fridays cause he has 2 nights to respond. But Sat? He probably already has plans. But daaaaaaammmmmn, I really do crave him.

Do I wait and see if he shows on his own (disappointment if/when he doesn't - despite the fact that it's raining and a very dangerous drive right now) - but MAJOR enjoyment if he does? Txt and spend a bunch of time "prepping" (just in case) then have disappointment if/when he doesn't show (but no worse than if I hadn't txt'd)? Txt and ask, if he can't come over, that he at least call so I can hear his voice and.. well... you know... maybe have some phone sex and get off anyway??!? Or forget the whole thing and distract myself with a movie??

Sometimes I hate being the submissive one.

Then I took a mental chill pill.

It took a couple hours but I finally became an adult again last night. I decided to ignore my ever-present low self esteem issues and trust "C" (which has, so far, proven to be the wisest choice), the Universe, and my "better" instincts. I know that all things usually happy for the best so I decided to work with what I felt.

I txt msg'd my 2nd choice, Adrian, around 6pm and asked if he'd be in town and available Sun night. Props to him: He responded "Yes" without even asking why I wanted to know.

Then I debated - a LOT - about whether or not to contact C. On one hand, I didn't want to seem desperate. On the other, I was desperate and am not a fan of acting one way when I feel another (even if "conventional wisdom" says it's the better move. It's too "playing games" for me). I thought, maybe C didn't realize I was offering the ticket for free, or maybe he was 2nd guessing my expectations... or, or, or....

Rather than 2nd guess myself to death, I decided to txt him. After about 10 tries (because my cell phone apparently deletes entire messages - never to be recovered - if CLR is hit twice in rapid succession) I finally managed the following:

Are you absolutely SURE you can't go? I got the extra ticket specifically for you - because I thought you'd enjoy it and be good company. I hate the idea of going to my (distant) 2nd choice.

Then I called Adrian and told him why I was looking for him on Sunday. He was thrilled - despite the fight we both know he's probably going to end up having with his boyfriend about it. Adrian was very much okay with being my "standby" option (only going if C doesn't change his mind) and thought it might even lessen the severity of the fight with his boyfriend. I told him there was a 90% chance he'd be going and we agreed that I'll call him on Friday on confirm the outcome.

Later in the evening, C called (I had convinced myself I'd get a terse txt msg or nothing) and sounded sincerely sorry about not being able to go to the show. Whoa. (Might he actually enjoy my company too?!??) He still didn't divulge his conflicting committment - and I didn't ask. He offered to "make it up" to me by visiting tonight - because he'll be in my area for something (again, didn't say what). I would like to think that meant meeting for drinks or some other "social" activity but I'm fairly certain that's not his intention (which is still okay). So, because the "red menance" is still around, and because my house is too freakin cold to give him a gooood massage (with happy ending!!), meeting tonight will probably get cancelled.

I feel about a gazillion times better. I'm VERY glad I put aside my issues and went with my instincts to contact C - telling him I wanted him there instead of giving up without a fight. I am very happilly suprised that it didn't end poorly. Adrian and I will probably have an excellent time at the concert (so long as I remember to limit his alcohol intake). And, instead of being feeling rejected by ALL men, I now know I am accepted by two. Damn good outcome.

from C, regarding the invite to be my guest at Acoustic Christmas:

"Won't be able to make it but, thanks for asking"

I am DEVISTATED. Totally stunned by how devistated I feel. I'm definitely taking it as a rejection of ME, not of the concert.

He very well could have a conflict - but it seems more likely that he just doesn't want to spend that much time with me.

Happy bunny

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Such is the prob with "F. Buddy" arrangements. We have the "F" down... but I can't quite seem to break through to the "buddies" part of the equation.

It pisses me off because I really enjoy his company. And I HATE facing the reality that the feeling isn't mutual.

One man said he can't go to a concert with me. Why does it feel like EVERY man just said I'm worthless?

I don't have anyone else I really want to invite. My luck with selling on ebay hasn't been too good. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

Damn, I was SO freakin' psyched up about this. CRASH AND BURN.

Forgot to mention: During post sex "cuddle time" with Castilo, out of nowhere he said, "You're a good sport."

What am I supposed to make of that?

I asked for an explanation but got no more than, "Overall... You're a good sport." He clearly meant is as a big compliment. But I still don't know where it came from... what he was thinking about... what it meant. I left it at, "Okay. Thanks." Gawd, he confuses me!! (and I love it)

ps to those docs that say my knee is bad because my muscles are weak: When Castilo decided to go home, I decided to try to stop him. I wrapped my legs around him, held on, and tried to pull him back down while telling him to stay. After a fair struggle, he got away and said, "Damn, you're strong!" Fucking retard doctors - practicing money-letting instead of medicine.. always thinking they know more about the patient that the patient themself knows.

Did I mention the sex was amazing?? (lol - bear with me - it's a rare occurrance and I need to emphasize it while the memory is fresh)

But I can't sleep. Maybe cause I won't lie down?

I had Joel on the brain yesterday. Sometimes I miss him like crazy. It appears out of the blue. Yanks at my heart. We were so connected, so perfect together. He really is responsible for showing me who I could be - and helping me to become that person. Moments like that make me feel he's with me, watching over me... happy that I'm thinking of, and missing, him so much (he always was ridiculously vain).

Work was another of those days where I in on time but no systems were available (6 testers, 2 systems - you do the math) so I just goofed off, waiting for a laser to be free. Cezar came in and shared sordid stories of his prior night out - and it was 7p before we really got serious about running test scripts. He bailed around 9:30 - more clubbing to be had. I was done with my first set of pattern cuts and had originally planned to leave but decided to stay and complete the second set of cuts. Halfway through setup, the laser died. Just died. I swear it wasn't my fault (as opposed to the prior night when I accidentally hit the patient interface with a chair and broke a critical piece). Tech Svc couldn't figure out the error and, with security leaving for the weekend, we gave up around 11:45 and went home. I stopped in today and it hadn't "magically" recovered (sometimes that happens) so at least I got out of working on Sat - though everyone's going to be pissed on Monday, scrambling to get the unit back up, and thinking I'm a jinx. I volunteered as a test patient for a new laser on Thursday (I wanted to know what the patients will experience) - I wonder if that one is still running.

I really wanted to go to Miss Kitty's after work (desperately wanting to see Castilo but unwilling to call him because I don't know if our last hookup was the result of his intention or alcohol consumption- and I didn't want to risk rejection). But it was too late (I would have gotten there about an hour before closing) and super foggy - I have MAJOR issues about driving in fog (don't ask). Knowing I had an S Factor makeup in the morning, I didn't even drink at home (this makes 3 nights with a full bottle of vodka in my freezer and I haven't opened it - a true holiday miracle!).

I was pretty tired so I crawled into bed, tuned in ThumpRadio (late night techno music) on timer, and tried to sleep. I thought about Joel and Castilo and being lonely - and horny - and I finally passed out around 2am.

At 2:30, my door buzzer buzzed - a lot. I knew what that meant - but couldn't believe I might really be getting what I wanted, especially when it meant a 35+ mile drive in heavy fog. But, sure enough, Castilo was outside my door.

I looked like HELL. The house looked like HELL. Didn't matter. He gave me that look - that happy smile as I let him in (I think I heard him say, "oh, good" - like he hadn't been sure I'd be happy to see him. Doooooh!). The slow, subtle, expression change to desire, need, craving. That look that makes me feel like the sexiest slut alive.

It was good. REAL good. AMAZING good. So good that I'd like to share details for the next 50 entries - but I know most people are TMI about sex details... so, daaaaaaamn!!

And he stayed. Till sunrise. Sleeping. That's HUGE. For both of us. We're both the "Thanks, that was fun. See ya!" type... so it's a big deal that we actually slept together. And even all cuddly-like (that was still a bit strange for me - how sad is that?!?).

So today I went to the S Factor makeup class on something like 3 hrs of sleep. I felt like crap. Can't believe I didn't bail. But I really wanted to try Stephanie's class since all I ever hear is "everyone LOVES Stephanie!" Well, guess what, not everyone. She was okay. Not bad - good for "accents" and "flair" but her warmup was uneven (we'd work one direction for 3 min and the other direction for only 1 min) and she was surprisingly controlling about the workout. My workout was terrible - my muscles were stiff [insert some kind of dirty joke here], and I had no energy. I didn't even do the routine - preferring to just sit on the sofa and watch (and judge!) everyone else. I think her class is the least coordinated that I've seen. But she had a teacher-in-training auditing her class (I think it was Crystal. I really liked her - she gave really good pointers - so I almost finally did the PeterPan move), so maybe that was making her weird or something. Dunno. At least her students were nice and welcomed me into their group. After class, I enrolled in Level 3 with Megan (my regular instructor). I'm not sure I'll be ready for it - but what the hell. Someone's got to be the worst, it might as well be me! I think I might also to try to work in some makeups with Kristen as I really miss her high energy & super nasty moves. [note about those links: no one but Sheila looks anything like their photo. I don't know why.)

After workout I did a short stint at the office (and got a perverse thrill from changing clothes in my cube - instead of the locker room - cause I knew no one was there), then headed off to Roger's Gardens - a high-end nursery in Newport Beach. I had perfect timing as the sun had set, fog was rolling in, and I could finally see all the holiday lighting in it's splendor. That's one of 3 places I love to visit at the holidays - because it's so dang pretty (and doesn't take any effort on my part!). Which reminds me, I need to look up all the local toy drives - I usually find out about them the day after they happen. I need to be proactive about it this year! I can't believe how fast the holidays are coming. Thanksgiving is next week? And "It's A Wonderful Life" starts the annual holiday showing at the local art house movie theaters that weekend. What's that about!?!? It's too soon!!

Tomorrow I'm meeting with Justin Rudd to discuss volunteering at the Thanksgiving Turkey Trot at Belmont Shore (the nicest section of Long Beach). I'm amazed by how many people want to run a 5k/10k on Thanksgiving morning.. insane!! (Kim and Lucas are coming - I hope to get photos of them!) But no more insane than me agreeing to be a volunteer - with a shift starting at 6:30am when I typically go to bed around 5am! Justin wants me to run the Chicken Chucking contest - people tossing rubber chickens for distance & prizes (well known "help" - fill the rubber chicken with sand). I usually do more menial tasks - setup, sales, giveaways - but he's a great guy and I'll do anything I can to help him. If he wants me to run the contest, I'll run the contest.

Tuesday is the She Wants Revenge concert in San Diego. I have lots of concern about the traffic heading down there (it's roughly 85 miles and we'll be doing it during rush hour), and back (if there's heavy fog, we may have to stay the night). Wed should be slow at work - and nothing at home. Thurs is the Turkey Trot & Chicken Chucking. I have an invite to Thanksgiving dinner at my former boss' house but don't know if I'll make it (plus he hasn't followed up). The company will be good, booze will be free flowing, I'll have an option to stay the night - but it's far (roughly 40 miles from my house) and I don't expect to have the energy for socializing. That Fri night is the annual "White Trash" party at Miss Kitty's, a big rave in San Bernardino on Sat (doubt I'll go - another long, foggy drive), and I think Club Ripples' 35th anniversary (I was a VIP for 8 years). Reality check: I'll spend the entire weekend sitting around and thinking about cleaning my house but never actually moving a muscle to do so.

And with that boring entry, I think I'm gonna try to go to sleep - though I think I've reached that state where I've amped myself awake for so long that I can't remember how to stop.

Jenn, if you're reading this - where are your comments? It only takes a couple min to set up your account - and you don't have to post entries unless/until you want to... so stop buttlaggin... voxers will LOVE you!

Talking to the guy next to you. I said, "I'm horny all the time. You should know that by now."

You think you know me so well. You think I went to the club looking to have sex with you. Is that because you want to believe that's what you inspire in me?

I didn't go for that reason. I went to the club - to play catch and release. To let my inner predator have a play date. That's why I like the club - lots of options but no one expects things to continue. Everyone enjoys the teasing and play - but it doesn't have to go any further. Most of the time, it's play a bit with one person and then go find another. How sexy can I feel in one night? I was looking to release some energy - but not to go home with anyone.

I was happy to see you. Relieved to see you. I thought you were going to be there - but I've thought that before. I was happy you intentionally got my attention... you weren't avoiding me. And I was happy to hear your voice. Your wonderful voice. It does things to me. Things no one else's voice has done. It wraps around me, caresses me, holds me in its spell.

But you still gave away nothing. I couldn't read you. I had no idea what you were thinking. You seemed happy to see me - but also aloof. I didn't know how to act around you. But, then again, that's part of my enjoyment of you - I have to be who I feel like, not who I think you want.

Several times I thought about walking away - pursuing my original intent. When I danced, you said I was horny. No more so than always. I was just feeling the music. That was 1/1,000,000th of what I have stored up for you... but that can only come out by you letting me in - which you didn't. At least, not then - and never much.

I saw other men watching me and thought about playing with them. Any other night, I would have been all over feeling out their desires - figuring out their triggers and what makes them tick just so I could exploit it. But not last night.

I wanted to suggest we leave and talk over coffee - but I didn't. I thought you wouldn't accept. I hate when I censor myself like that - so afraid of rejection that I can't even suggest leaving a bar because I might have to admit that you were more interested in the club than in talking with me.

I love that you kept doing fake "boo-hoos" about the fact that I haven't had sex since you. I didn't say that was a bad thing. I never said it was an issue. I'm quite clear that it's been by choice. I've had plenty of bad sex and since you reminded me of good again, I haven't been in any rush to go back to the bad. Maybe if my experiences with men had been a mixed bag of good/bad, I'd feel I was missing out. But it's literally been 20 yrs of unfulfilling sex (I faked 100 percent of my supposed "O"s during that time. 100%!!) so I haven't felt like wasting my time. I've spent my entire life in a state of unfulfilled sexual desire - 3.5 months was nothing. I was celibate for 8 yrs. Then, again finding bad sex, another 3 after that. I admit I have other options available to me. But they aren't enough. They're predictable and I'm done with the predictable hookups. DONE. For now (no doubt desperation will eventually set in again).

You gave me mixed messages all night... admitting you had been calling for sex the previous night, but then saying you couldn't do anything with me. Implying that you were single but then saying you were involved. I gave up tying to understand. It didn't matter. We would hook up or not - it was your call. It didn't really matter. I had no expectations. Did I want it? Sure. But did I expect it? No way in hell (that would require more confidence than I possess!). I really did just want to see you again... to let you know I have no bad feelings and to see if you understood that I can be a friend.

But then you stayed outside with me after closing (what was that funny snippet of conversation we overheard? I can't remember the details now - only that it was hysterical to us). I finally offered you a ride and you accepted. In the car, you told me to take you wherever I wanted. I jokingly suggested my house and my bed. You not-jokingly agreed. I still wouldn't make a move. You finally took my hand and put it on your crotch so I'd know you were serious. We ended up a couple blocks away, parked in a residental neighborhood. Car sex is so... high school... but you know I can't resist you. I would have liked to get a room - but we both agreed that would be a lot of money for a little time. Thankfully, neither of us had a condom so things couldn't go too far. Because it definitely would have ended up there otherwise.

Being with you feels like nothing, and no one, else. I'm not being flattering when I say you're amazing; I'm being honest. That thing I said to you at the end... that thing I wished I could experience... I've never said that to any one before. No one. I know most people would think nothing of it. For me, that was huge. That was trust and risk and vulnerability.

You like to say you're selfish. I disagree. I'm used to being able to play men's weak points... figure out their triggers and then work them. They're not with the real me - they're with whatever I think will get them off. But you won't expose your triggers, you won't let me figure out how to play you, so I can't spend my time "performing" for you. I have to actually let go and be me... with... you. That makes me feel greedy. You don't seem to mind but I feel bad for always putting you in the "lead" role, for always giving in so easily, for not being more of a challenge. But I don't have time for game playing. I may be sacrificing long term options but I simply cannot pass up an opportunity that I know is so rare and rewarding. Today I realized I put you in the lead not because I'm so freakishly submissive to you (which I am) but because I genuinely want you so much, in so many ways, and so many places - all at once - that I can't focus long enough to pick one.

Tonight, I keep stroking a spot on my neck. A spot where you were biting me. It feels like I should have a giant bruise - but there isn't one. It became my little secret... sitting at Tim's party and zoning out on conversation as I pressed and rubbed that spot and felt the most delicious little pains and memories. Remember that time I "went under", literally mesmerized? It's almost like that.

Now that spot is my connection to you. To the real experience of you. To the satisfaction. It make me feel "grounded". It slows me down and gives me focus. I know you'd be proud of yourself if you saw me today. You'd be happy that you got me into the moment(s).

I still don't know what the hell you think about me. I don't know if I'll ever see you again. I don't know anything. Except that it doesn't matter. It will all turn out however it's going to. For now, I'm happy just to have had a taste of the magic once again.

My former man-toy/F-buddy. The best sex since Tim. The man who made me feel like the sexiest creature alive... and ended that bliss in July because he found someone he might actually love (I'm happy for him; bummed for me).

I called him today. Mostly because I've been wondering how he'd react if I tried to be friends (the sex was great but what I really miss is feeling comfortable and safe) - but also because I still have the extra pair of tix to She Wants Revenge this Sunday - and last night I remembered that he really likes them too.

Not knowing his situation, I blocked my number and, around 6pm, left a message...

"Hi, it's me. Long time no talk. I hope you're well. I'm calling because I have 2 spare tix to SWR and thought you might like them - for free - and have somebody to take to the show. I'll be there - but 10 rows away - so there's no worries about running into me if you don't want to. I work late so I can leave the tix on my doorstep for you to pick up. Call me back if you get a chance. My phone is crap and I can't get calls so just leave a message. There's no 'strangeness' on my side so please don't worry about that. I hope to talk to you soon."

With no return message by 11:30, I figured he wasn't cool with hearing from me. Bummed me out... but I accept his choice.

And at that exact momemt, my phone rang (the POS phone that usually doesn't let calls through). It was him. I resisted the temptation to pick up. I waited for a voicemail alert.

And I waited.

And waited.

Knowing the phone can't hold a connection long enough for alerts to arrive in a timely fashion, I finally called my voicemail. Nothing. Okay. Odd. But okay, whatev.

20 min later - my phone rang again. Castilo again. No message again.

And 20 min later, a third time.

What am I supposed to make of that? I specifically said I wouldn't answer. My voicemail greeting talks about the POS service and that I can usually only get voicemails. He's a smart guy - not some retard who doesn't pay attention. I've never known him to be manipulative. Why didn't he leave a message?

Did his woman get the message and call to bitch me out?

Did he get the message and call to bitch me out?

Did he get the message and, now single, wanted to arrange a Thurs night booty call?

And, most importantly, do I ignore it? Do I call him back? Do I unblock my phone ID?

I'd really like for him to have the tix if he wants them.

What do I do?