The 1-day "QuickCourse" in Humiliation

Totally out of the blue, I burst into tears during aerobics class tonight and took forever to get myself back under control. We were warned that people sometimes react like that - but it's usually to "flying" (pole work) or watching other people "fly". But not me, nooooo - I had to loose it during the pilates part. I think I hit personal life overload, and all the stretching and pain [from the workout and from my bad knee] and everything combined and I just lost it.

I guess no one noticed. The lights are super low [it's difficult to get in touch with your inner goddess under intense lighting!] - so that kinda makes sense. When we were on break, I told the instructor about it and she was really happy (but also supportive) - I think it made her feel that she'd made me really get in touch with myself - "have a breakthrough". Which is probably true. She echoed what I had been thinking, that I obviously "needed it".

Still... I'm the self control freak. So it kinda freaked me out. I'm proud of myself for not fighting it too hard. Whatever it was, it was clear it wasn't going away - and I knew it would pass eventually.

Here the background on my day - which probably provided the straws that broke the camel's back:

Totally forgetting that I had to be up "early" (for me) today, I got to bed late. So I was operating on about 5 hrs of sleep when I got to my doctor appt. There was no parking and I spent 10 min circling the lot till I finally found someone leaving. When I got to the office, I learned I was actually an hour late for my appt (or so they say - I swear I had taken the later appt and the admin penciled me in to the early one).

I had to face the joy of my "annual" exam - which I will find nearly any excuse to avoid. I mean, could there be anything more humiliating? (later, class, we'll learn the answer is YES.) At least we made it pass fast by talking about my last one (3+ years ago) when I had a very sexy (and very gay) male doctor and, because we had become good friends, I decided to make the appt "tolerable" by wearing black stillettos and my own sexy black robe the entire time. He and I had joked about it a couple times so I finally just went for it (and know I gave him a story for life!!).

Anyhooo... the reason I'd even agreed to the exam was that I've been having lower left pelvic pain once a month for the last 3 months. It usually passes in 24 hrs but this time it was 5 days - and 3 of those days were excrutiating. We also discussed my bad knees and my desire for Vaniqa - because I'm tired of my body trying to grow rather horrific full black beard. I like being a freak - but not a freak show! I had tried laser hair removal and got nothing from it. Nothing!

The doctor had done the laser hair treatments and was stunned to learn that I had not seen any results from it. She knew I still had hair issue but thought the laser treatments had drastically reduced them. But no, it's my daily 1 hr ritual of plucking that reduced them! (one hour - every day!!) She thought that was really odd and thinks there's a strong possibility of hormonal, adrenal, or some other kind of issues. So out came the referrals.

I headed next door for a billion blood samples (no doubt a secondary contributor to the breakdown). Then down the street to have both knees MRI'd - which took nearly 2 hrs total (thank gawd I don't have claustrophobia and, instead, find closed spaces comforting. I fell asleep). After that, it was pelvic ultrasounds. And then, to my surprise, 3D pelvic ultrasounds via my "va-jay-jay". Talk about awkward - having a stranger stick a condom covered veeerrry phallic ultrasound device up you - and then maneuver it all over the place - just went to the top of the list!! I swear, by the time it was done I was so beyond embarrassment that I would have been fine with walking through the office naked. I mean, who cared anymore - they'd already seen all I have to show!!

Then the director of the MRI/ultrasound places tells me that my insurance has refused to approve/cover the MRIs... the MRIs that were already done. They apparently required preapproval (no one told me!) and they felt physical therapy should be sufficient. I felt that if I don't get this knee fixed soon, I will permanently be on cruches. The Director seemed confident that the results will end up convincing the insurance compnay to retroactively cover it - but I'm not so sure. Luckily, I've worked in insurance - next to the people who are paid to deny claims - and I know that the best tactic is to simply keep arguing with them - as many times as it takes to get them to pay.

Even with insurance, I'm figuring this day is going to run me around $2000. If insurance doesn't cover the MRIs - well, hell, I don't know where I'm going to invite the $$ to cover it. All of this work was done in Newport Beach - not exactly the hotbed of discount medical care.

And I still have to get a mammogram next week.

Thus the stress. Thus the public meltdown?